Prolog
Moza is always wanted to repeat her life in past three years. Even though she was a mess before that, at least the decisions she made were not as great as after three years of it. Moza regrets every step of the way and hopes that there is a way to safe her from all this downturn. Until one day, she wake up and her dream to return to the past three years came true. She can repeat her life. It’s just…she didn’t wake up in her own body, but in the body of a strange man who she had never even seen his face before. Moza must hurry to find her oldest self and prevent her from making those stupid decisions. It’s just, would Moza from three years ago believe that the soul residing in this man’s body was she from a future…a life of three years later?
“How to Regret” - Chapter 1
There are so many reasons why the rain can mean so much to someone. The reasons why the rain is so memorable, sounds beautiful or even be a frightening specter for someone.
Moza hastily closed the curtains in her room when it rained. Her fingers clasped together, she shuddered in fear. Moza grabbed her smartphone and called out a name, ‘Fai’ She heard a waiting tone, but there was no answer from there. Moza threw herself onto the bed. She cried behind the pillow right after she played music on the active speaker. The sobs and the music could not even cover the sound of that heavy rain.
“Fai come home, please, I’m afraid.”
The rain drowned her cries. All this time she thought Fai just couldn’t show his love, but she was wrong. Maybe the fact is Fai never loved her again even for a minute. In fact, Moza went through so many things and many difficult ways to be with him, but all Fai wanted was to always leave. She wished … there was a way to go back and start all over again.
“You are crazy! You can’t be together, Moza! Love another man! Why does it have to be Fai? “
Moza remembered his father’s scream three years ago. He slapped her on the cheek. Now time had passed and healed her. It’s just, the scar is still deep. Right, all of this was her fault. She should have listened to her parents from the start.
“Moza, wake up! Don’t be stupid!”
Her mother grabbed Moza’s hand at that moment and begged, but Moza didn’t budge.
“I love Fai. This is my decision. I can’t leave him, and I would prefer to go with him. ”
Moza deeply regretted those moments. She still remembers clearly how her parents were disappointed and abused her. Moza committed the greatest foolishness of her life. Moza regretted every step she had taken since the rainy season in February, three years ago.
If only she hadn’t fallen in love. If only she could fix it. She wants to come back. But where should she return? Not all ‘home’ can be a place to return to.
Moza squeezed her stomach as she took a deep breath after the rain stopped. She still remembers how painful it was when she lost a baby that she didn’t even have time to give birth to. The smell of the operating room was still terrifying. Especially at that time, Fai was not there. Fai never accompanied her anymore.
All the love he said was a lie.
Moza and Fai were born from the same womb, the same Mom. And it was a big sin because they loved each other. Ah, no. Maybe it’s only Moza. Moza who fell in love and Fai were just pretending.
If they had not been separated since childhood and met again as adults, that love would never have existed. If Moza hadn’t expressed her love for Fai, none of this would have happened. So many things that Moza wanted to change. But her greatest wish is only came back to three years ago. The golden moments in her life.
“Fai, how can you become my twin when all I knew was that I’m the only child. Mom sometimes talks about Dad, but she never tells me that I have a twin.”
Moza stared at Fai’s eyes. Her eyes were sparkling.
“Dad never told me that I have this beautiful twins. Dad never even told me about Mom. They said that after the divorce, they agreed that they would never meet again . Whereas long ago, I wanted to see Mum’s face.”
Fai shifted his gaze to Moza’s pair of round eyes,
“Moza, did you ever wish you could meet Dad?”
Moza nodded.
“I was very happy when suddenly Dad accidentally met Mom again and they reconciled. I’m also happy even though for 17 years I never knew the fact that I had a twin and he grew up really cool like you, Fai.”
Fai smiled, he always looked dazzling.
“Have you hated Dad?”,
Fai asked Moza suddenly. Moza shook her head,
“I’m just a little disappointed because he hasn’t seen me in a dozen years.”
Moza changed her seat.She drank the lemon juice she ordered about fifteen minutes ago, after that, she continued her sentence.
“I am disappointed that Daddy is never there when I am in trouble. There were times when I needed Daddy. There are times when I’m sick, when I’m sad, when I feel like I need to be protected. But Mom is too busy, she has to work hard to support me. At times like that, sometimes I blame Dad for never coming and then suddenly coming back into my life. But if it has to be like this, I’ll take it well. I will adapt to my new world, because in this new world, I meet you, Fai.”
Moza’s heart was pounding, she didn’t know what she was thinking. But sitting comfortably with Fai creates its own emotions. Initially, she was sure it was the feeling of being happy because she had met her twin who had been separated for a long time.
However, they finally came to a day where Moza realized this was no ordinary pleasure.
“I love you, Fai.”
Moza lowered her head, holding back tears that were about to burst.
“I’m trying to think with my logic, but I need to tell you. Fai, I hope we are not born to the same parents. Fai, I hope you are not my twin. Or, don’t split up. We should have been together since childhood so I got used to you. What should I do? I was too unfamiliar and I ended up falling in love. I am sorry. I’m really sorry, Fai. “
Fai pulled Moza into his arms,
“It’s okay, Moza. It’s okay. Don’t be afraid. You are not alone, I am here. I love you, too.”
They don’t know who is the most wrong in this love story. Moza who confessed her feelings, or Fai who said yes. But for sure, the decision they made at seventeen changed everything in the future.
Fai entered the house and found Moza sitting in the corner of the room with warm yellow paint. Fai gave this room to Moza because she knew how much Moza loved yellow. That was a long time ago, the times when Fai was still in line with her. Even when the whole world refused, all Moza needed was Fai.
“Where have you been, Fai?! I’m afraid!!!!”
Moza rushed at him and shouted at him while crying. Fai pushed Moza’s hand away from him.
“Take off your own trauma. Don’t get me involved. I’m sick of dealing with a girl like you! ”
After picking up some clothes at home, Fai left again. Moza didn’t have time to say anything else. All she heard was Fai’s hate speech. She had even forgotten how warm his hug was or how soft his kiss was. Moza doesn’t know Fai anymore.
She already lost him.
Whereas in the past, if they had an argument and Fai yelled at her for just once, he would regretfully and beg Moza to forgive him. But now it’s not there anymore. He’s gone. There is no more romance that used to be.
“I fell in love first, so it’s only natural for you to act like this, right? I am in love, not you. So, is it okay to act as you wish? “
Fai moaned,
“You fell in love first doesn’t mean I don’t, Moza. It’s just the difference in time. Don’t think I lost my feeling, I was just angry. This is not your fault. My ego isn’t there because I don’t care anymore, I’m sorry, Moza. I love you.”
Moza then melted in his arms until the end of her cry.
If only there were times like that again..
The time when you regret the emotions that have already overflowed,
The time when you can still paint a smile after we had a great argument.
The sky’s still I blue;
The sea is still deep;
Our steps are still the same,
unfortunately.. Now our goals are different. —-
I want to go back …. but you still want to be separated.
Moza fantasized again. But if it was true that she could come back, she would definitely take another option. She truly regretted. She knews her stupidity. So stupid. Moza wants to come back, really.~
“U were a Silence” - Chapter 2
Im confused where to go,
Because once, you are home
I’m confused what to do,
Because it’s not like before,
Now, we are in different directions.
The morning sun was peeking through the vent. Moza stretched, she was sleeping tightly after being tired of crying all night long. She got out of bed and slowly took off her clothes one by one until then she disappeared behind the bathroom door.
Moza hummed while rinsing the shampoo on her short black hair. There was too much burden on her head, she couldn’t stand the long hair anymore because she felt it was weighing her down even more. In front of the mirror, Moza narrowed her puffy eyes after dressing. She was tired, but no matter how much she rested, she was still exhausted. Suddenly she heard two people shouted at each other’s laughter. That sounds broke her reverie.
Moza got up from her place and then walked over to the source of the sound.
“I want you every day,”
said the man while stroking the hair of the woman in front of him. The woman laughed,
“Me too.”
On top of the messy bed, their clothes were scattered. Moza took a deep breath, she called.
“Fai..”
Fai turned around, but he wasn’t surprised. Meanwhile, the woman on the bed was busy covering her upper body.
“I didn’t even realize you were at home. Close the door, okay. Maybe that bitch would be embarrassed if I saw you,”
she muttered, very slowly.
Moza didn’t cry anymore. After all, this wasn’t the first time Fai had brought another girl home and spent the night in his room. She even forgot the last time they talked together. Moza left them and walked out of the house. No, not running away. Moza always thought of leaving, but she always failed. Moza didn’t even finish her high school, she also couldn’t got a job anywhere because she had a bad anxiety disorder and trauma.
All she can do is just stay in this house because she doesn’t know where to go. At least, Fai still provided a place to stay and let her eat well. Even though whatever Fai did, was just torturing her…
“Come on run away with me.”
Moza remembered how that day Fai knelt in front of her and gripped Moza’s cold fingers tightly. Moza complained, doubtful,
“But Mom and Dad….” .
Fai hugged Moza warmly,
“We won’t be able to be together if we’re here.”
Moza nodded. Actually she kept reminding herself that she was wrong and this was disgusting, but she didn’t stop. Under the dark night sky, they stood on tiptoes and escaped from their families. And Moza still didn’t stop even after Fai’s changed.
One day, Moza surprised Fai.
“Fai, I’m pregnant.”
Fai immediately got up and jumped with joy, he hugged and kissed his lover then knelt down, so that he was parallel to Moza’s stomach.
“Hey, baby. I am your dad!”
He said and kissed Moza’s s belly which still looked flat. It was moments like that that Moza missed so much. The times when Fai still loved her, even though he was angry.
One another day, Fai invited her to meet his friends for dinner together. When it suddenly rained, Moza was unable to control her fear, especially when she was pregnant at the time. Finally Moza wanted to go home. Fai said okay, but he was silent the whole way.
Moza wrapped her hands around Fai’s neck. She grabbed the sweet lips that had not said a word all this time. Fai didn’t budge. Didn’t move, not even kissing her back.
Moza stopped her kissing.
“Are you mad at me?”
She asked him a moment after she lowered both hands from his neck. Moza took a step back. Then stand leaning against the wall painted warm yellow which adds a warm feel to the room.
“I am sorry.”
She said, then looked down. She looked at Fai’s bare feet, that always managed to tickle her feet under the covers.
“You always hide the reason why you’re afraid of rain from me.”
He broke the silence.
Moza began to falter, she still looked down and started explaining. Moza told everything. She told him what happened in the rain a few months ago and what memories that made her so scared when faced with the rain. Then silence, again. Fai didn’t say anything. Now, Moza regrets explaining anything. She shouldn’t have said anything.
Clock rotate. Five minutes of silence until finally Fai walked over to her. His footsteps broke the silence between them.
“How dare you hide this from me?”
He said, after arriving right in front of Moza. Their feet now meet. Moza swallowed hard.
“Sorry,”
She muttered. In this position, Moza couldn’t think much. Fai pulled her dress strap which then dropped over her shoulder. The charcoal colored gown fell to the floor as Moza burst into his arm. The silence changed to a warm accompaniment as Fai’s body squeezed into one with her. The dim light and warm atmosphere in the room made the sweat falling from his temples look like gold. Fai always looks dazzling in the midst of a great nightly show.
It’s just…. Moza doesn’t know that it will be the last time they can stick together and be together, for sure. Fai started to ignore her from then on. He rearranged the rooms next to the main room and didn’t sleep next to Moza anymore. He didn’t even accompany Moza to check the baby’s condition again. Fai didn’t want to eat together and always ignored whatever Moza said.
It is all too gray and confusing.
Moza sighed, Moza should have left him since then. It’s just that Moza thought Fai was her fault and she had to take responsibility until the end.
Even though loving you makes me hurt, I still do it. But in the next life that will come, I’ve learned one thing. I learned that love is not always right, and still doing what is wrong is ignorance that can destroy you at any time. Later if I can repeat my life, I make sure that I will grow up to be another girl, who is not harmed by her own fault. I really regret it and want to come back. I want to come back.” —–Moza.
“Zigzag You” - Chapter 3
Sometimes I wonder when this happened.
Sometimes I expect too much and shamelessly pray that I can start over, start over, and start over.
I’m very selfish, I know, but, I would really make it right if I had just one more chance.
Just one more chance…. I beg.
Moza served Fai a bowl of hot soup at the dinner table. She knew Fai wouldn’t eat it, but at least she tried. At least, she wants to express her feelings. Fai glanced at Moza’s hand which was covered with cuts up to her arm, but he didn’t say anything, pretending not to see it. It’s not the first time he knew that Moza does self-harm, and it’s also not the first time Fai doesn’t care.
“If it’s possible, I want to talk,”
Moza said carefully. Fai nodded, it’s rare, he usually yelled anytime Moza wanted to talk.
“Fai …. am I that disgusting in your eyes?”
Fai looked into Moza’s eyes that he hadn’t seen clearly for a long time. Moza was teary,
“Tell me what to do. I am tired, Fai. I am really tired of waiting for you or to see you with other girls. I always stand by here for you even when you’re not. You’re not even here when we lose our baby. Fai, tell me, what’s wrong with you?”
Fai looked away,
“What’s wrong? You asked me what’s wrong? Moza, you know it so well! You love me. And it’s bad enough, it’s wrong. It’s disgusting enough. You call the girls I bring home as bitches? Who is the real bitch?! It’s you!”
Moza returned her gaze,
“I’m not alone. Don’t you love me too ?! ”
She couldn’t hold back her emotions. It’s hurt. Fai smiled slightly,
“Maybe I was attracted to you. But after hearing what happened to you, you thought I was the same? And about the baby, are you serious about it? I’m not even sure that she was my baby. You can call me an asshole, but don’t forget that you’re an idiot. ”
Moza swallowed her saliva.
“Fai! Everything happened beyond my control !!!! And you, you should have protected me that day! But you weren’t there! And, you shouldn’t change because love has never been like this! And why are you so cruel to our baby? What do you think about me, Fai?!!! You are the one who hurted me, you slept with another girl in front of me! Fai, what’s wrong?! Have you talked this way to me?!”
Fai took a step closer to Moza, his hand quickly wagging the soup bowl on the dining table. The bowl fell to the floor and its contents were scattered about. The hot soup hit their bare feet.
“Love?”
Exclaimed Fai, loudly.
“I said I’m interested, Moza. I love you? Are you really guessing that I love you? Have you trusted me? Come on, girl. Don’t dream. I’m still in my right mind. I am not as crazy as you! And whatever I do, it’s only because I’m interested. You are nothing more than an ordinary girl, like other girls, you are the same, idiot! When I get bored, I throw it away, ”
He said, so cruelly.
“And you want to know why I lasted all these years?”
He added again. He drew closer, now Moza could feel his breath. Fai whispered,
“Because you’re yummy.”
PLAK!
Moza slapped Fai’s cheek. The cheek that used to get a kiss every day is now getting a slap for the first time.She was filled with emotion. There was so much she wanted to say, but all she could do was only stand. Her tongue sighed and her legs went weaker, it felt like the bones in her back were breaking one by one. Don’t wonder how her heart is, it’s absolutely, it’s so broken apart.
“I’m leaving my family for you, Fai. I leave my world. I don’t even go to school anymore, even when you still go to school, I am not. I just learned from the books and don’t get enough education in school. I am a clever one but I don’t go to school anymore because we have to save money. I did a lot for you. I left the whole world and chose you! You are a jerk! I hate you!”
Moza cursed him, even though she wanted to cry, she held it. Moza didn’t want to lose this time. Fai touched her cheek,
“Don’t forget, I also left them for a worthless girl like you ….”
Moza interrupted,
“Okay, I’m not worth it! So what did you take me away for if not because you loved me?”
Moza couldn’t hold it anymore, she dropped the first tears of her cry.
“Didn’t I explain earlier? See! You’re not that clever, Moza. You are an idiot. I told you that I’m interested, Moza. No more. Leaving my family is not that great things that I’ve done. After all, I also hated them from the begin. Daddy always kneels me to be perfect and mommy never takes care of me. You think I would be happy to suddenly have this whole family again? It’s disgusting, Moza. I am never happy to face the fact that I have a twin. I am never happy, I really hate you. I hate dad and mom. And I hate you the most!”
Moza wiped her tears, then walked away from there. She ran quickly through the door of the house they had shared before. Her feet were still bare, her eyes were blurry and she didn’t have time to wear shoes, even on that leg there was a new scar that had been splashed by hot soup a few minutes ago.
But, she still ran. The most important thing, Now, she left. Finally, she does.
Even when Moza didn’t know where to go. Even when she knows that she has no place to go, she’s going to leave. Moza wants to go home, but where should she …? Wherever…. as long as it’s not to Fai anymore.
The mark of your kiss is still attached to me,
I feel it’s still close,
I still smell you clearly,
But now your presence is uncertain;
Where are you?
I try to follow the shadow of our steps,
But I still didn’t find anything.
I couldn’t find the answer;
You just disappeared.
Where are you…
I looked for you until I got lost,
I …. love you until I almost dying. “ —— Moza.
“A goood day to die” - Chapter 4
If my life is a movie, then I want a happy ending.
And to have that happy ending, then I have to go.
Staying by your side only exhausts me, I just keep hurting myself.
So, I better left.
It may be darker and more dangerous outside, but inside here, I am suffering a lot.
And seeing you gradually hate me, seeing your love slowly fade away, feels like suicide.
Then this is what I’m doing now.
I must take this step.
I’ll leave you, forever.
Moza stopped in front of the gate of a house , she saw a middle-aged couple drinking tea inside. A man who is wearing glasses is reading a newspaper, the wrinkles around his eyes appear and peeking out from beside the glasses, and the woman beside him is busy stroking their pet cat. She looks fine. What a sweet morning. Moza smiled sincerely, she was relieved to see her parents were fine.
Moza continued her steps past the house. No, don’t think she will go back there, after all, they won’t accept Moza anymore. Never. So it’s clear, she’s not going there. For her, just seeing her parents from a distance was enough.
Moza’s mind wandered over, remembering how Fai had said he hated them. Moza also remembers how her life was before she was reunited with her father. She moaned, she was in trouble. Even now she is in great trouble, in her pocket she has no money, she doesn’t even have footwear or a place to go. But at least now it’s better because she knows who her parents are. Unlike before, Moza always guessed what her father looked like.
Moza sat under an apple tree. She hugged her knees and started crying.
“Moza, please listen to me. You will regret it later.”
She suddenly heard her mother’s voice inside her head. Moza increasingly sank her head between her knees.
“I never asked anything from you, Mom! I always do as ordered. I have to be smart, I have to be pretty. I did everything according to your wishes! I can’t even choose my own hobby. I rarely make mistakes but whatever your mistakes, I always forgive you. Please. Please just this time. This is my first mistake. I just fell in love !!! ”
Moza slammed the door as her mother fell into a slump. Now, she regretted everything. She realized that what she was doing was not a mistake, but a grave sin.
Moza’s memory is deep, since childhood, she was used to seeing her mother go out with all kinds of men. Moza was a little girl at that time, but she already realized that what her mother was doing was wrong because they were married men. To be happy above the pain of others is humiliating, even if she did it as an adult.
One day when Moza was 15 years old, she protested,
“You can’t be like this, Mom. You can’t get money from a married man. Look, you have a job, you get a salary every month. And I think that’s enough, I can save as much as possible. You don’t have to be someone’s mistress. ”
At that time her mother cursed Moza and was furious. She blamed Moza for everything and got angry.
“If you weren’t born, things wouldn’t be messed up! Take care of your own life. The most important thing is that I don’t mess up your life !!! ”
There are many problems between them. That is the reason why Moza is happy when her mother returns with her father. At the very least, her mother would be happy now with someone who was hers, not a loan man. Despite Moza being disappointed in her Mom, Moza never said that. Not even to Fai.
Because what’s most important to her now, her mother doesn’t blame Moza anymore. The most important thing is that her mother is happy. Although in the end, she returned to destroy the happiness that her mother had been struggling to build up.
Fai cleaned the remaining broken bowl on the floor. He didn’t chase after Moza in the slightest, not even worried. Whatever he did was strong enough to make Moza hate him, he was grateful that she had finally left. At least now, he could stop hurting someone.
“Fai ……”
Fai closed his eyes as he remembered how Moza liked to cling to his arm.
“I love you.”
Moza whispered in his ear, Fai laughed lightly. His strong hands lifted Moza onto his lap. Moza kissed Fai’s lips many times, Fai kissed her back. Moza stretched her hand into the white T-shirt that Fai was wearing. She stroked his back, amusing that man.
Fai lowered his kiss to Moza’s neck, Moza sighed lightly.
“I love you, Fai,”
she whispered again. Fai left several love marks there until finally he took off the pajamas that the girl was wearing and left nothing.
Fai laid Moza down on the big brown sofa. He sticks their bodies together with Moza’s deep groaning. Sweat fell from each other’s temples. Fai’s brown eyes met a pair of Moza’s beautiful eyes, then the two of them sank into an exciting night.
Fai sighed, he immediately brushed off the memory of Moza that his brain suddenly twisted. He hurriedly washed his face, hoping that the shadow was gone. Fai looked at his reflection in the mirror, he scolded himself,
“Stupid man.”
He said. He was too embarrassed to see himself, from the beginning, he didn’t have a plan to love her. But why now that he kept hurting Moza, Moza stayed behind and still loved him. It made his heart melt, but he couldn’t. This was all beyond his plans. Before this love is too deep, he better let Moza go.
“Grow up and be happy out there, Moza ….”
Moza stepped her bare feet on the hot asphalt of the road. The sunlight was dazzling, Moza was busy covering the top of her head. The knee-length white dress she was wearing was dirty and out of color. She didn’t know where else to go. Moza hesitated, should she go home to Fai again?
Moza walked aimlessly, her gaze blank. She set foot on the end of an overpass. Its little legs crept up the guardrail of the bridge. She stretched her hands and then closed her eyes.
“I don’t want to go home to Fai. I think my life is over. I wanted to start over everything, but I could never … so, I’m done. ”
Moza threw herself down. She felt flying for a while after then she felt so intense pain all over her body. There was a chill running from her head to her back.
Moza faintly heard the crowds around her.
“Call police!”
“Call an ambulance.”
“Save her!”
“Don’t crowd!”
“Someone committed suicide!”
Her eyes were closed, it was pitch black there. A choking pain from the tip of her throat all over her body. She felt her bones were broken. But it’s okay, Moza wonders, where now life will take her to …..—-
